Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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