i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
