i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
