i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
