I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
