Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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