Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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