I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
pray to the hookup gods
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
