eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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