I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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