Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think a kid would responsible me up
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
