and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
