Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
