the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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