Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
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I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
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Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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