At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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