I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
