if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
