what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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