I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Church boner. Awkwardddd
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
