I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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