hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
