Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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