listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize