It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
