FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
