Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
