the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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