Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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