I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
