I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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