how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
