So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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