This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
