It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
