I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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