I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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