I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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