There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
