Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
