My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
