somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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