If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
