member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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