I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
