I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
