the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
