There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
We're like a lot better than the average bears
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
