his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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