mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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