Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
