Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
