I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
