I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
