I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
