Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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