well I can't set my house on fire every night
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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