I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
