you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
tell me about the eggs
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
