My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
