Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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