I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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