You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
