He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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